By: Chinyanta Nkonde
Marriage, love and disappointments start from an expectation that one built off when starting or building a relationship. Don’t we have expectations with almost all relationships? We expect some courtesy, we expect some good manners, we expect some reciprocal behavior, we expect our men to love us and accept us for who we are.
Men also expect their women to be respectful and submissive towards them. In the long run, expectations are what build and make us put in our efforts to work, invest, love and support. Without expectations, we could never even push to be in relationships, or even put ourselves out there.
Relationships are built and not just dreamed about. They require two devoted people to work together, have the same measure of reasoning and understanding to achieve a common goal.
A serious relationship is not just the mere combination of two people that love each other, but it also calls for compatibility. As much as many would say they love someone, if there’s no source of compatibility, issues arise. This is because we will have two people walking on separate paths and expecting to build a successful relationship, which is impossible to achieve.
Expectations are always part of how we humans are designed by God we always desire to have a certain relationship and we aim to achieve this one thing so vividly. Whichever case you find yourself in, expectations always birth out manifestations of the things we desire.
For me to meet a man today and start conversing, I’ll instantly have a certain expectation that if we can communicate and relate this beautifully, we will one day end up married and have our beautiful kids together and live happy. But I bet nobody ever plans for having mismatched expectations. Not even disappointments, because we often think that every man/ woman we meet will be our last bus stop and we will have our forever from that point when we accept the relationship.
The downside of expectation is, you may never know what your partner is thinking about and just because you see something so clear, doesn’t mean the next person also sees it like you do.
Quote: “Brokenness strikes when you expect your partner to be the source of your happiness and want them to be bound to fulfil your desires without you meeting theirs”.
Life is a funny trailer, we each expect to one day happy when we get our partners, and we plan for happiness in marriage that we don’t have enough planned out for us during the period we are dating someone.
Expectations have to be both ways for them to be successful in the setup of a relationship. If you two can’t manage your expectations in order to compromise on the same expectation, it’s going to be a challenging relationship for you to even try to build.
Relationships are always complex to be in. Whether it’s a first date, a “situationship”, a casual fling, courting in readiness for marriage or even in marriage. They constantly involve negotiations, compromise and communication.
We often find ourselves at difficult crossroads, considering compromising on something that we assumed was non-negotiable. Sometimes, we compromise, and sometimes, we struggle to find a way out of it. To make one situation turn out according to our liking and fulfilment, the pride of expectations arises in every given moment as we communicate in building a better a well-designed relationship for ourselves.
To build a successful relationship, one has to consider mutual respect and understanding and having the same mutual commitment to working out things as they continue to build.
Keep this in mind, there is no one formula or recipe for you to build relationships, be it in family, friendships or romantic relationships. There is no formula for maintaining a healthy relationship.
We are different people, having different stories and experiences and being raised from different families. We each carry different norms and customs. So coming together in a relationship means blending in two different perspective on how one views life and having two different shades of truths. One’s expectations from a relationship from the start will determine the outcome when the relationship ends. The pain of a relationship is reliant on the accompaniment of resentment and anger, based on earlier expectations.
I remember telling a friend of mine during our girl talk, when she mentioned to me how her boyfriend wasn’t meeting her needs and expectations. She said, “At times I feel so alone yet I’m in a relationship, I don’t receive the same care I did when we started.” For so long, she was angered and grieved that she couldn’t continue in the relationship anymore.
So I quickly asked her a question if you walk away from the relationship are you sure the next man will cater for all your needs seeing that, men sometimes get comfortable with their partners that they don’t see a reason to put up a show to get you into being with them; but they expect that you walk on the same path and growing together.
So I told her we are never heartbroken but our expectations are usually not met and that’s why we feel the pain, we place so much trust in a person who can change their minds in an instant and we put all our expectations into them. The unmet emotional needs from her relationships brought negative emotions into her life. And this has been one of the major issues that many women complain about having unmet emotional needs from there men. I understand that our men too have emotional needs, but the question is, are we as women meeting the emotional needs of our men?
Emotions are a terrible headache if you’re not handling them right. So assess your expectations not only from your point of being met but sit down and question your partner about how they feel when you treat them in a certain way or how they feel when you handle situations badly and put all the blame on them. These are the major consequences of having unmet expectations. Lack of communicating the errors of your partner and keeping things hidden like nothing is going amiss.
One of the quickest ways to recognize unmet emotional needs is if you feel like your needs aren’t being met, chances are, and they are not being met. Unmet emotional needs also result in increased tension or exhaustion in a relationship.
So to be happy in a relationship, transparency is the first key factor, communicating with your partner about your needs and wants will also assist the both of you to understand the level of expectations you both have and this will enable you to asses if you’re both meeting your needs in a relationship.
Love is never an easy road to walk on, but when you truly love and care for someone, you’re going to do your level best to make sure they are catered for un your relationship. Remember transparency is the key factor, communicate your likes and dislikes with your partner. You can’t keep changing men/women every month or year. You need to understand that one needs to communicate effectively to have the other understand where you’re coming from and what you hope to see in a relationship. Love is a beautiful thing if it is handled rightly.
Join me next week for more insights on how one can effectively communicate their expectations with there partner.
Have a lovely productive week my lovelies.
